An eggplant emoji was the beginning of my end.
So, “he who shall not be named because I know he will have some shit to say” and I broke up more than a year ago- with the occasional backslide. *Save all judgement for yourself.* I hadn’t slipped up since June last year. *Hold the applause* It’s no real feat when you don’t live in the same country. Or maybe I should be recognised for this accomplishment because if I’m being honest, that’s was top notch D and staying away was hard *sweating*. I’m going to regret saying that but he might send a “Thank You” when the DMs start coming in. Nonetheless, I was quite impressed with myself because I wasn’t only not having sex with him, I was not having sex period. Not going to lie, my rabbit been doing OT and after 7 months of loving myself, I decided I’d go back to the devil I know…
I thought it would be a nice gift to myself for the new year. It was easy. Slid into the DMs with an, “I need a favour…*eggplant emoji*” and just like that, I was booking a dick appointment.
But let’s rewind a bit. Before I fell back down the rabbit hole, I had been making moves to get over this relationship. You know who has all the answers? Google. So I googled “How To Take Care of Yourself After a Breakup” and there were a whole host of options- I chose this.
Be nice to me. This was hard to do initially because I spent so much time beating myself up and wishing I could change things. Thinking if I had said things differently or didn’t do certain things, maybe my relationship wouldn’t be over…but it is and I needed to accept that. And so I did. Instead of thinking about all the negatives, I reminded myself of the good things this relationship had to offer and the lessons I was able to walk away with.
Silver lining. I know what I want now. If you asked me what my dealbreakers were three years ago, I would probably have a list full of superficial sh*t. Now I know better.
Do the things I enjoy. Easy. Took myself (MiniKP joined a few times) out on dates, and a girl can eat so that could explain the few extra pounds I’ve put on. Maybe few is downplaying it too much *shrug*. I outgrew my uniform for work; even ripped two pants. Thick thighs save lives, right? Been keeping up with my wax appointments because even though I wasn’t showing it off to anyone, I liked how it made me feel- also because Nichola is always on my case every time I let myself grow. I’ve been keeping up with my nail appointments *Dana would be proud*. I love having long acrylic nails but I only ever do them for “special occasions”- I ditched that rule and rocked them just because. Every time I left the nail shop I felt extra sexy- although most times I was leaving looking like a bum. Does anyone ever look good in the nail shop?! I’ve even been experimenting more with my hair. I’ve made five wigs!! (Special shoutout to D for teaching me over the summer) and I’m a new person every time I switch it up. I’m yet to do the big chop but trust me, it’s coming this year. I cancelled plans when I realised it wouldn’t benefit me and maybe I offended people but I put my happiness and well-being first.
Don’t think that this means it was all good days. I still had days when I couldn’t get out of bed. Some days I had to cry to make myself feel better. You know the ones? As soon as you’re finished crying you feel good again.
So after all of that, I decided it’s time to give someone else a chance to show me some love.
I don’t meet guys in my day-to-day life. It just doesn’t happen. I lied. It does and when it does, his name is “Money” and he promises to take me shopping. True story.
So what do I do? I join Tinder and Bumble.
I’m the worst at it. I only swipe when it’s late at night and I’m laying in bed, bored. So days, sometimes weeks, go by before I respond to messages.
I ‘m not hoping to fall head over heels in love with someone. I just want to know that I could put myself back out there.
So I’ve been on a few dates but they’ve left a bitter taste in my mouth. I have been reiterating lately that I don’t want a man. I swear they just want to waste my time- at least the ones I’m meeting.
I’m open to a lot; all for the sake of moving on.
I even decided to date outside of my race.
I went on a date with a white guy and after hearing him list racist stereotypes of why white men are different- and in effect better- than black men, I made up in my mind he will surely be blocked. He even listed the differences between us women too. Imagine I sat through that. All for a meal. Wow. I tell my friends all the time, lickerishness does got me doing bare shyte.
How are you going to generalise a whole race and think that’s actually okay?
Then I’ve got exes proving to me more and more that I am a big ba-cunt.
An ex, who I broke up with for hitting on my sister, told me over the weekend he hopes I find someone that loves me the way he loves me. Deadass.
Another one who lied to me our whole relationship told me he wants to reapply for the position.
FOH. I’m tired of hearing how good of a woman I am and how much I deserve from men who’ve already had a chance and chose to take me for granted.
“I want us to be friends. Sue.”
(Long story but saying “Sue” was our version of “I swear” or it meant “Truth” or “Dare” but whatever way we were using it the truth followed or preceded it.)
Friends. I knew I wasn’t ready for this. I hadn’t spoken to him since the d-appointment and for good reason. That was an itch he helped me scratch. I wasn’t trying to stay connected or anything.
But I fooled myself. I became more invested than I realised.
It hit me when I woke up and started crying over him. Out of nowhere!
And so the cycle of healing begins again…
Kiara’s at a slumber party for the weekend and I’m going on a weekend break. I believe next week will be a better week. 🙂
Breakups are fucking hard.
Happy Galentines day.