S.O.S.

I always apologise after I go M.I.A and I promise to do better next time…so let’s stick to tradition, shall we?

It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog post and I’m sorry about that. This apology isn’t just for you, I owe an apology to myself as well. I’m disappointed that even though this is something I love I still can’t seem to be consistent. I actually toyed with the idea of doing a video instead of writing this time around but that would mean being presentable for the camera. I haven’t showered in two days, my hair hasn’t been combed in longer and I’m not currently in the mood to even look at my makeup. I figure once I finish writing this post I’ll feel obliged to share it and so then I’ll be forced to get dressed for some pics to go with it. So by the time you see this, I would’ve cleaned myself up. 🙂

What’s been up? Well, I’m having more low days than good. I became inconsistent with my medication and that obviously didn’t help; definitely made matters worse. A 28 day period took 61 days to start; the joys of stress. I attended a sleep therapy workshop to combat my insomnia. I was functioning on approximately 3 hours of sleep. The workshop was attended by other people suffering from insomnia and it was a relief to be around people who got it. I was signed off of work from the middle of July until the middle of August. I came back to work on a phased return (amended hours). I pretended that that eventually made things easier and I was settled back in- this was a lie. And so now I’ve been signed off again from the 15th of October. I’ve got friends who see it as extra holiday days but it’s the farthest thing from; this is rehab. Speaking of, I’ve actually started looking up depression clinics because I think I need to be looking for new treatments. I was given the perfect example to explain why this made sense- which it didn’t at first. This is an illness much like a physical ailment that can resurface at any time. It’s less like a cold and more like a virus in terms of treatment because it depends on the strain you have and sometimes it goes undetermined what exact strain has infected you. This makes “finding the cure” a bit of a shot in the dark.

I desperately want to be okay and so I pretend to be and I reap what I sow. I’m obviously much more stubborn than I would ever admit being because why would I do this knowing how detrimental it would be?

I will be one of the first people to scream, “It’s okay not to be okay!” but I can’t seem to practice what I preach. I still meet people, even friends, who believe the notion that you have to look depressed. Do you think if I walked around in my current state people would get it then? I cannot be the only one who knows INSTAGRAM IS NOT REAL. First off, my pictures are not always posted in real time. This means sometimes if I’m in a low mood, I’m probably posting pictures I took on one of my good days. I don’t want people to have to look at me to understand what I go through. I shouldn’t have to look like shit for you to know that’s how I feel. So sometimes I will actually do my makeup and dress up when I’m feeling low to make myself believe that looking good equates to feeling good, and sometimes it works but not always. I expect that my friends know me well enough to know what I’m thinking (Nichola is a boss at this) but it’s an unfair and impossible request to make. I struggle to speak up because I feel as though every conversation is dominated by my depression and that makes me feel so selfish- one word I HATE to be associated with.

I’m still trying to understand my depression and so there’s no way anyone else could get it- at least mine. My triggers won’t be yours, might not be your friend’s, might not be the same as your sister. You can’t just put depression in a box and expect us all to exhibit “symptoms” the same way. I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that. I get a lot of people telling me to get out and do this or do that- I haven’t left home now in 3 days- likely to go into 4- if I could I would. No amount of sex, money or friends can make me snap out of it. The only thing I can do right now is control my environment and hope that I can get myself out of my funk. I do not recognise the person I am right and so I feel like I need to reconnect with myself somehow. My goal is to be who I was before; before I got consumed by my depression. The sad reality is that I might never be that person again and I’m trying to cope with the idea that this is who I am now. I’m not saying I have to accept being in a depressed state 24/7 but I need to accept that it has now become a part of me and I have to work just a little harder to be the person I want to be.

I’m gradually reintroducing the things that are routine, pleasurable and/or necessary. As part of my homework from therapy, I have been planning my week ahead. This is so I don’t do what I feel like doing but rather do things despite how I’m feeling. My schedule will include showering, cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, taking my medication, getting Kiara off to school and reading (a few examples). I didn’t have the blog on the list because I didn’t want to put too much pressure on myself but I’m still impressed that I got it done.

*UPDATE*

My older sister had a baby in September- on her birthday btw- and I decided back then to pay them a visit with Mini KP during her half term break. Now that the time has come around I was a little hesitant on if I should still go. I spoke about it with my therapist and she thought it would be good for me and so I showered, dressed and we flew to Sweden for a few days. I’m not going to do much, it’s just great to be with my sister and my new baby niece, Maja.

With 24 hours in a day, here’s to me not being down for all 24 of them. *cheers*

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