I started the year trying to get over my breakup. Back then, it felt like one of the hardest things to do (I’d learn in a few months that that wasn’t the case) but I eventually got there. Whilst I was mourning my previous relationship, I also had to get everything into place for #MiniKP’s move. So there I was with one part of my life spiralling out of my control and another part of that I had under total control (for the most part at least).
Time heals. I healed and I had a plan. But then the unexpected happened- my ex came back. Having just gotten over him, the bad taste of the breakup was still fresh on my tongue so you could imagine my hesitation. But somehow I walked back in and then he walked back out…
I can’t even go into that with more details just yet because I’m yet to heal..again. If/when I get there, then maybe.
Kiara’s move has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. There have been days where I’ve shed tears of joy and a few where I just felt so overwhelmed that the only thing I could do was shed a few tears.
When I returned to London with Kiara (you may have seen my pics from my time in Bim. If not, you’re welcome.) the kids were on half term break and she was not yet enrolled with a school. Although I did find the school I wanted her to attend- a mere 7 minutes walk from home- the application could not be completed until she was actually in the country. Imagine how my anxiety was acting up at the thought that she might lose her place if I didn’t get her here in time. So instead of a start in September, I decided to get her in before the summer holidays. I had my dad helping a few days (this will be the penance for all my guests *evil grin*), I was bringing her into the office, everything felt like it was working out while I waited for her start day but I think I jinxed it! The day came when reality hit me, I was forced to miss work because I had no childcare for Kiara, this was one of those days I felt overwhelmed. “It’s just you KP and you need to figure EVERYTHING out,” my mind raced at me. I don’t have friends to call on-because they’re all working too, I haven’t had the time to trial babysitters yet- because I’m not just trusting bubble :/. I remember the first day I picked Kiara up from After School Club; I cried but this time they were tears of joy because I saw my baby girl playing with kids and having the time of her life and I remember thinking to myself that this is actually going to be all right.
Technically, I’ve been a single mother her whole life but I’ve never done it alone. Having my dad stay with me when she first came over gave me a bit of security and I didn’t feel like I was going at it “solo”. Although I quarrelled with them both the same way for not helping me do the dishes so he gave me as much extra work as he did help. I had never lived alone before moving to London. In Barbados I lived at home with my mother and sister. Kiara’s paternal grandmother was a 5 minute drive away and Kiara spent quite a few weekends there. While we’ve been separated there has been a schedule for pick-ups and drop-offs, more so than when I lived there because everyone has been helping out. But now, I’m doing it all. I have to wake her up, I need to make sure she actually gets out of bed and into the bath, I have to make sure she has breakfast, I have to make sure she’s dressed, I have to make sure she’s brushed her teeth (most times she hasn’t smh), I have to walk her to school, I need to pick her up from school/after school club, I have to make sure her belly is full (thank God for School Dinners), I have to make sure she’s studying/reading and I have to keep her active. Trust me, I know women do it everyday. I am not the first person to raise a child alone but it is taking some adjusting. For the last three years of my life in London I’VE been living a selfish life (so to speak). I used to be able to wake up 30 minutes before I had to leave the house for work but now we’re up at 5.45 every morning to leave at 7.20. I’m still working on balancing everything Kiara wants/needs and through it all I’m trying to fit ME into it too. I already know that I can’t be tunnel vision focused on her alone, I’ve got to take care of me too.
What’s the first thing I’ve realised? I miss therapy. I need it. I’ve gotten back into my bad habit of not talking and I don’t like it all. They’re so many things I want to get off of my chest and unfortunately, I just don’t feel like loading my friends/family- I’d rather pay someone- so they’re just stuck on my chest right now.
Do you know how guilty I feel doing the things I have to do? Let’s take therapy as an example; for the sake of my mental health it’s something I have to do, it shouldn’t be optional. If I had injured my leg and needed to attend physical therapy I’d do it without second-guessing. But if I book a therapy session during work hours (sometimes that’s all they have) I feel so guilty. As if everyone is saying how could I do this? Why would I CHOOSE see the doctor smack right in the middle of the day? So what do I do? Not go. Period.
I took a break from IG again- and I’d recommend this to anyone. If you feel yourself getting lost in it, leave. Take that break. Put that energy into something else. I looked at my profile one day and thought to myself; I look happy, my life looks pretty great. But you know what was wrong with that? I wasn’t happy and life was really feeling like sh*t. I didn’t want to pretend and to be honest, I wasn’t intentionally pretending to be okay but it appears to be my default.
I’m back on now and that’s because I realised something else (It’s been a week of epiphanies), I look forward to creating content for my IG. It gives me an opportunity to get inside my head and be creative with my “dress ups”. I have a reason to not be “Shakira, the office host” or “Shakira, the ex”. I can be whoever I want to be. Today I chose “Shakira, my G”.
Cycling shorts: Boohoo
Bum bag: Boohoo
Shoes: Fila x Weekday